Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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