This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
