if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
