I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
