I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
