My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
They took my balls.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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