I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
