I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Randomize
