if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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