I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
