Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
