Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize