oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
