Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
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