All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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