If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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