I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
