I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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