I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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