If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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