I'm gonna have a badass scar
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
