you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
