Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
