Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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