Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
