Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
