I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
