My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
