I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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