cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
