Bisexual people are plain selfish.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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