you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
