got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Randomize
