I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
