we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i drank out of a bidet.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
