i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
