The maid of honor just puked.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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