You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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