im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize