I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
MIDGETS
????
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
