We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
