I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Randomize