Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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