I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
