Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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