Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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