i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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