...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
