I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
she peed on how many people?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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