I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
