after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
