Define "chronic" masturbator.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize