we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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