Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
