Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
