He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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