ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Church boner. Awkwardddd
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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