Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
