woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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