I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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