I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
