please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
